Turning blue

Let me make this first point clear. I adore my father, now. He has become a wonderful man who is always there for me. When I was young… not so much.


I remember hiding behind our ragged house. I had crawled clear under this huge bush and curled my 9 year old body into the smallest ball possible. I could hear him calling for me. I was terrified. I don’t remember what I had done, but I remember how hard my heart was pounding. So loud I thought for sure they would hear it. Even scarier than my father, my grandfather was also looking for me. He came so close. I could see his lower half. Those blue overalls he always wore. I think I squeezed my eyes closed thinking if I can’t see him, he’ll be less likely to see me. I stayed there for hours. And when the coast was clear I booked it up the hill to my favorite hiding place. Dad found me there and was amazingly calm. It was one of his better days. I’m in that place right now in my life, curled up tightly under a bush, just beyond the reach of my fears. If I close my eyes and hold my breath, maybe the situation will get better. Funny how we really don’t change that much from our childhood selves, we just think we do.